Agoraphobia and Comics

Last night I went to the Capstone Screeners for the UCF BFA Film class of '09. It was the longest screener I'd heard of, starting at 5pm and ending at around 11pm with an hour for intermission. Over 20 films less than 15 minutes each were played, ranging from fictional narratives, experimentals, and docs. About a third of them I could have done without, but really, who likes everything they see in film school? I know I don't. Here's a link to recent BFA grad Cris Mertens' YouTube channel that has the "bumpers" they played between huge chunks of films. I feel like they're only entertaining to those that know the students, but they're clever and well done in any case.

Being there with all of those people, half of whom I didn't know, made me super anxious and uncomfortable. I combatted it with pastries and walking around quickly. After one of the films I was in screened, though, it was a weight off my shoulders. I felt better about where I stood in the world and was promptly thrust into conversations with strangers. I'm really manic around strangers, doing anything I can to make them love me, so I can continue to ingest their smiles, hugs, and blanket praise. Yet, I can feel a wave of loneliness and sadness start to crest behind me. In that hallway din, I was buzzing with excitement and joy, but I knew the second I walked out into the night and drove back to Janine's, I knew I was going to feel like I'd bottomed out.

Is that how has-beens feel? Scraping at any inch of validation, living on that one compliment for days like a starving actor on a box of spaghetti? I hate those feelings. The only good things that come of outings like that are that hopefully another student sees you and wants you to audition for their next project in the fall. And getting hugs from people that smell good. I like smells.

Sometimes I forget that my readers are not toddlers and don't need constant pictorial and audio/visual stimulation, but I think it never hurts.


I finished Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art by Scott McCloud. Great read for anyone that doesn't understand the appeal or wants to create a more "magical" experience while reading comics. It's one step in my staircase to reading again, albeit it's not the greatest works of Western lit in the 20th century. I'm going to compile a list to trump all lists containing the highly subjective "best ofs" of screen, print, and ...print. So movies, books, and comics will slowly be re-integrated back into my life. Hopefully.

By the way, Happy Mothers Day!