When I'm sick ...

1. I sleep almost completely upright. Like the Elephant Man.

2. I take Mucinex for about three days in a row. You're not supposed to exceed 2 doses in a 24-hour period. I say, only quitters don't exceed the 24-hour dose period.
(Side effects include insomnia, dizziness and hyperactivity. Check it.)

3. I turn into Mr. Hyde.

4. I don't sleep.

I've been getting sick 3-5 times a year since I was in elementary school. I've always grown immune to whatever wussy allergy meds I've been prescribed, so I've just gone rogue and miserable. So these days it's just whining, tissues, Emergen-C, and Mucinex MAX. STRENGTH.

Have you guys tried these new pretzel M&Ms? Seriously, pretzels INSIDE of M&Ms?

Also, if you could handle "Anti-Christ," you enjoyed "Delicatessen," and appreciated "You, the Living," you may be equally appalled/enthralled with Hungary's "Taxadermia." A true union of the grotesque and the divine.

I still can't stop watching this one. Is it weird that I wish I could be Julian Casablancas, minus the feathers-in-the-hair thing? Enjoy the "pixel-count-is-too-big-so-the-video's-all-cut-off" situation.

VAGINAS ARE VOLATILE

Yesterday, the U.S. Navy said women will now be allowed to work/serve on submarines.

We've had women in space since 1963.

Sigh.

I get it, nuclear reactors, vaginas can sense fear, women are made of radioactive metal, but seriously.

Snuggle bunny

I like to dance the way I like to sleep -- alone.

I like snuggle time. I do. I always have. But only when it's in moderation.

But a lot of people are anti-cuddling these days. "Whoa, you want to snuggle? I think that's moving too fast." Well, to return your "whoa," "Whoa, you're reading too much into it."

It's like one of my favorite quotes: "It's only awkward if you make it awkward."

But whether we admit it or not, some people consider the close proximity touching to be showing a vulnerability. And I don't know if you've noticed, but if there's one thing we don't want is to be seen as HUMAN. VULNERABLE. PENETRABLE.

God forbid we make our personal space bubble smaller.

And using my favorite form of "emphasis" -- enjoy the following.





OK, "Telephone" was just self-serving. I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT! YOU WILL SUFFER WITH ME!

P.S. In other news, "Frank DanCoolo: Paranormal Drug Dealer" has been accepted into nine film festivals worldwide, winning "Best Short" at the 35th Annual Boston Sci-Fi Film Festival. Cool. I've also been approved to have my own blog in addition to my copy editing/taxonomy/whatever duties. Stay tuned May or June. Suck it. Lastly, after having begun weekly classical French fencing lessons a month ago, I have earned my own foil and glove. I'll be unstoppable. And making swish noises with my sword.

--P.

Never date an actress

I think that goes without further explanation, but here's some reading material in case you need hyperbolic assertions and bitter insinuations.

There's a Facebook group dedicated to that statement. The description is lengthy and systematic, yet still eye-rollingly dramatic. Something only another actor could have written.

And plenty of this and that.

So you've been warned, the lot of you.

I guess when I was dubbed "Most Likely To Be A Cat Lady," my friends weren't far off. Yay!!

Why I can't trust you with anything important

or let's just say anything at all, regardless of importance, relevance, or weight.

1. Because we'll plan something and then somehow you've overbooked yourself or forgotten about me completely, so I'm stuck standing around with my thumb up my butt in a Target. Which, don't get me wrong, is fun in itself, but Target is like happiness -- it's best when shared. And then I start overbooking myself and flaking out on you. A great man once said "I eat because I'm happy, and I'm happy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."

2. Because you take the weirdest off-the-cuff shit I say out of context and then use it as ammunition when I'm not there to defend myself. Just because I once remarked that I "would punch a baby in the face if it meant I could have telekinetic powers" doesn't mean that ... no, actually, depending on the age of the baby and the velocity of the punch, I would do that. In that instance, you would be correct.

3. Because you know how easy it is to embarrass me. Seriously, mention how much I like that scene in "The Two Towers" where King Theoden says "Dark have been my dreams of late" around a sizable group of people, and I turn the color of an eggplant. (No, I'm not a "Lord of the Rings" girl, but g.d. it if I don't love that subplot. "I know your face." Aaahhhh, come on!) Since the dawn of time, I've always been easy to embarrass and you've always abused that power and it makes me feel like the Pillsbury doughboy. I'm sure his tum-tum gets sore from all the poking eventually.

I'm the Robin to your Batman

Everybody needs a cheerleader, even if that means you are your own personal cheerleader. Someone to say "You're the tits! You can do it!"

I make a really solid sidekick. I've got your back, if I think I can scrap. Otherwise, I'll run and go get Mom.

I may not be very athletic, but I sure am an athletic supporter. In high school, I was the timer at our swim meets. I'd be screaming even though I knew they couldn't hear me. You know, under water and all.

A hug and a "Hey, I like you" can go a long way with even family and old friends. Unless they're assholes. I don't hug assholes. If you don't deserve one, you don't deserve one. END OF STORY.

I don't know, I don't think it's about me. I don't think it's about me, being the main character in my own movie and things are happening just to me.

Making your day better makes my day better. Does that make sense?

Are you learning?/$86,400

The movies you're watching. The books you're reading. The blogs/articles/stories you're writing. Are you learning something new? Are you embarking into new territory, new ideas and opinions that differ from your own?

Or are you reading about the same things over and over, so you can "strengthen" your current arguments and look smarter to your adversaries? It's comforting, reading about people that agree with you and your point of view, isn't it? Makes you feel justified, doesn't it?

Well.

Keep on keepin' on.

In observance of Passover, the Fax of Life talked about Pesach and how it is the "time of spiritual freedom." As with most of the Fax(es) we receive, Rabbi Kalman Packouz talks about living in the moment, living in the present. Make changes now instead of waiting for your life to start. Be kind to your neighbors now, not tomorrow. Be active in your life, because you don't have much time on this earth (unless you believe in reincarnation, but even then, come on, Shelly).

From the Aish HaTorah's Fax of Life's Rabbi Kalman Packouz:
"What if you had a special clock on top of your television that was down the hours and minutes until you were to die? When would you get up, turn off the TV and do all the things that you planned to do, hoped to do or in passing thought about doing?

And what if in addition to your special clock, you had a special bank account where every morning you were credited in your bank account with $86,400 dollars on the condition that you had to spend it all or lose i? What would you do? Spend it! Well, you do have a special bank account called the Bank of Time! Each day you have exactly 86,400 seconds. What you don't invest wisely is written off each night. You can reap dividends, but you can't go into overdraft!

One has to value his/her time and know it is limited in order to change.

... It starts with a decision to change."

EDIT: Whoa, Packouz wrote this book. I feel so uncomfortable now. Ugh. Talk about learning every day. Yikes.